Oh...my...god... I never would have been able to imagine before just how much effort, dedication, patience, efficiency and passion it requires to be a working mum. I appreciate endlessly the superpowers that Grace’s arrival has given and driven me to evolve. I’m not taking about birth. Don’t misunderstand that it scared the living daylights out of me. I don’t want to do it again, even though I believe passionately in the positivity of having siblings. I mean I feel like I am not capable, I am not equipped I will never be ready to go again and that’s okay, but it’s everything after that which I’m talking about in this instance. It’s also okay if I’m wrong and I change my mind. But for now it’s okay that I adjusted my vision to do what’s best for me and what’s best for my daughter. What I am doing is enough. I want to feel proud of that. I wanted a baby so much that the thoughts and feelings consumed me. But that does not mean that I will ever be ready to give up my life and my being, my personality or my profession for her. Indeed I am lucky enough have designed it to a point to embrace her. I can do both. I am allowed to do both. It’s worrying that I even feel the need to state that, but let’s leave the statement there. Yet it is still not easy. Life it not easy. Nobody’s daily life is easy. None of us have the right to judge one another because you will just never have the full range of feelings, experiences, consequences and fear as anyone else, living whatever life you relate to, or don’t. You just don’t. Anyone flaunting their strengths, fortune, happiness or otherwise is probably covering some other deep insecurities. We all are. So I wanted a baby. I met someone wonderful and she is here. But that isn’t the full story, nor a happily ever after. I am doing my best. My very best and sometimes that doesn’t reach my own standards and sometimes I feel that if someone walked into my house and saw us right now, (however close and trusted they may be to me), I would be ashamed. But nothing is wrong. It’s just hard. Nothing is going wrong, I am very, very happy, but I am challenged. Here’s to the understanding that no one’s experience can be boxed or colour-coded. I would even propose that happiness requires huge effort and must be consistently reviewed and updated to remain valid. It’s hard work, but it is hard work that pays back dividends, if only I can learn to appreciate myself for all the effort it takes to tread-water and how proud of myself I should be for that!
A revelation that I am still buzzing from this week is that people I know have made a profession out of their greatest fear. It surprised me, but comparing it now to my own life experiences, I feel like it should be no surprise at all. The ‘best of the best’ professional people never take anything for granted. I have thrived from challenging my own fears. I have created passions from them. Indeed I think I would not feel the same sense of deep appreciation and satisfaction for reaching the end of each day in one piece, if it wasn’t so damn crazy and difficult. None of this means I regret or dislike parenting. Hell yeah it’s the biggest and best challenge I have yet faced and I’m really happy that it took me so long to encounter the circumstances that would lead to this. I personally would not have been ready any earlier. As it stands I have an amazing support network. I would spend more time with them if I could. But the balancing act is a constant work in progress. It’s all a work in progress. I’m happy, but be sure that I am banking some effort towards the appreciation I will feel in coming months when things feel more settled. I need to learn to feel appreciation and pride for myself on a daily basis, because it doesn’t get banked. It doesn’t get easier. It just changes. I love my daughter more and more everyday. I’m also more and more shocked, dismayed, confused, amused and frustrated, but in proportion.Basically I think I am appreciating more than ever that it’s okay to change, adjust, grow, step back, re-evaluate. It’s also amazing connecting with your nearest and most trusted darlings during times of great flux. It shows and proves who those folk really are. Top of the list is myself. I’ve really made friends with myself. We fight, but much less! Next is my best friend. She is my best friend for a reason, there is nothing that she doesn't let me say. Other people show themselves to be utterly there for me under the most unusual of circumstances. I will never stop loving those people. I’m so very grateful. And tired. It’s okay. Don’t judge me. But I think I am doing rather well. And so are you. It’s all normal! Don’t be afraid.
A revelation that I am still buzzing from this week is that people I know have made a profession out of their greatest fear. It surprised me, but comparing it now to my own life experiences, I feel like it should be no surprise at all. The ‘best of the best’ professional people never take anything for granted. I have thrived from challenging my own fears. I have created passions from them. Indeed I think I would not feel the same sense of deep appreciation and satisfaction for reaching the end of each day in one piece, if it wasn’t so damn crazy and difficult. None of this means I regret or dislike parenting. Hell yeah it’s the biggest and best challenge I have yet faced and I’m really happy that it took me so long to encounter the circumstances that would lead to this. I personally would not have been ready any earlier. As it stands I have an amazing support network. I would spend more time with them if I could. But the balancing act is a constant work in progress. It’s all a work in progress. I’m happy, but be sure that I am banking some effort towards the appreciation I will feel in coming months when things feel more settled. I need to learn to feel appreciation and pride for myself on a daily basis, because it doesn’t get banked. It doesn’t get easier. It just changes. I love my daughter more and more everyday. I’m also more and more shocked, dismayed, confused, amused and frustrated, but in proportion.Basically I think I am appreciating more than ever that it’s okay to change, adjust, grow, step back, re-evaluate. It’s also amazing connecting with your nearest and most trusted darlings during times of great flux. It shows and proves who those folk really are. Top of the list is myself. I’ve really made friends with myself. We fight, but much less! Next is my best friend. She is my best friend for a reason, there is nothing that she doesn't let me say. Other people show themselves to be utterly there for me under the most unusual of circumstances. I will never stop loving those people. I’m so very grateful. And tired. It’s okay. Don’t judge me. But I think I am doing rather well. And so are you. It’s all normal! Don’t be afraid.
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